1.  First, drink a gallon of your own piss.  If somebody in the fist Jackass movie did then so can you!  Especially since this is an emergency people!

2.  Smash all your windows in your house and throw all your furniture out of them!  Too bad if the sofa is too heavy!  Do you want to save the strain on your back or do you want to survive mass amounts of gullibility!

3.  Pour battery acid down your pants.  Preferably acid from Duracell batteries.  Why Duracell?  Because when some assholes decide to trick people into trashing hotels and they need a reliable battery to power their un-tracable phones and they only battery they trust is Duracell!   INSPIRATIONAL ISN'T IT!

4.  Stab yourself in the crotch with a javelin.  This will be painful but at least it will get your mind off the worse pain of knowing that people can beleive all this shit!

5.  Go dive into a sewage pond!  JUST DO IT!

6.  Streak through your neighborhood and scream "Who loves ya' baby" over and over again!  No really, you need to ask this question to find out who loves you in this world.  Because, unfortunately, some people out there love falling for ridiculous pranks more than they love you.

7.  Fire a loaded cannon aimed at your groin.  You're probably wondering if you should use an iron or graphite cannon ball for this step.  SURPRISE ME!

8.  Try to hump a grizzly bear.  Bet you never ever thought innocent "Bear Hugs" could ever be associated with anything X-rated.  THINK AGAIN!  

9.  Go to Michael Vick's house and punch one of his dogs.  Don't worry, they're used to that kind of abuse so they by all means should not maul you to death in response.

10. Take a nice relaxing nap on a well-used railroad line.  Just let that soothing sound of the speeding oncoming train's whistle relax you to a nice deep sleep!

Did you get all of that?  GOOD!  Did you not get all of that?  Well then I feel sorry for you because you must live with the pain of being wiser than the average American!  Well, I've gotta go get started on all these steps before I become victim of the recent mass gullibility.  So take this blog seriously! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! RED-ALERT!  BE AFRAID!  ACT QUICKLY!  and have a nice day. :-P

Breakthrough....to a New Low in Wuss Music

New shit album by Colbie Caillat

1. "Oxygen is what you'll need after my music sends you into a coma"

2. "The Little Things that make my music suck"

3. "One Fine Wire is what you'll want to electrocute yourself with after my music makes you suicidal"

4. "Sucky"

5. "Feelings of public outrage against my music show"

6. "Midnight bottle of whoop-ass (I'll open up on you if you make me listen to my own music)"

7. "Realize that my music is what has really killed so many famous people these past two weeks"

8. "Battle of Gettysburg was caused by my music"

9. "Tailor made me a muzzle out of sound proof cloth so I couldn't sing any more of my ominous music"

10. "Magic of my music's suckiness"

11. "Tied down Slobodan Melosovich and made him listen to my music as capital punishment for his war crimes"

12. "Capri is an island which sank into the sea as a result of my music"

Album copyright 2009 by Colbie Caillat.  If you even think for a second of a minute of an hour of a day of plagarizing any of this music Colbie and her equally-wuss voiced co-writer Jason Mraz will come into your house while you are sleeping and wake you up by singing their duet song.  You'll probably be dead from all the shit lyrics and wussy melodies in a few minutes but trust me people, IT'S STILL NOT WORTH IT! :-}

Jackie Jackson ('07 Champion, PR 12 bottle-laps) said:

"This event really brings the community together yet tears my insides apart!"

Bobby McO'Smith (2 time All-American in this event, PR 10 bottle-laps) said:

"After 6 bottle-laps, when your pants get pretty heavy, your actually giving your legs some weight resistance training in the process!"  

Sharon Watterbottles ('08 runner up, PR 10 bottle-laps) said:

"When I was done, I had no time to walk all the way to the restroom, so I just let go in the Steeplechase pit.  They had a meet the following day at this track and, thanks to me, they didn't have to waste time filling it up with water for the competitors!"

Now how could you pass up an opportunity to do something horrible to your health like this?  Seems as though avid runners have gotten into these kinds of workout/eatout events nowadays!   But the Phillips Laxitive Workout takes it to the next level!  So join me and a bunch of other whack-jobs who like to do this shit this April 31st at 2:61 PM at Hayward Field.  I won't be drinking any laxitives before I run my laps.  Why not?  BECAUSE I DON'T FRICKIN NEED TO DO SO SINCE MY 400 PR IS SO DAMN SLOW ANYWAY!  Restrooms will fortunately be provided......WAIT! They never unlock the damn restrooms at Hayward Field!!!!  In that case restrooms will unfortunately NOT be provided so be prepared for colon explosions!  See ya there! :-P